A few weeks ago I had a date with Apple, this little Vietnamese knockout I met online. She had a radiant smile and a body built for sin but I sensed something was wrong. From the minute we locked eyes I knew she didn’t want to be on this date. Was I that ugly?
Thirty minutes later and a tummy full of Don’s Bogam (Korean BBQ) I found out her boyfriend of two years cheated on her and this was her first date since the breakup. As I listened to her story frustration and sadness filled my heart. Here I was on a date with a gorgeous woman that I wanted but had no shot. No one did.
The worst part is this isn’t the first time this has happened. In fact its been a recurring theme with match.com. In the past 6 months that I’ve been using the service I’ve observed that most women use the site as a testing ground for getting back into the dating scene. The only problem is most women on it aren’t ready to date.
What should have been a boring Wednesday turned out to be a day I’ll never forget. I arrived at work late as usual and began my daily routine. I saw an email from someone interested in getting to know one another from Match.com in my inbox. The message was short and included their email address and instant messenger handle.
We instant messaged throughout the day and decided to meet after work at Gstaad. Drinks turned into a hunt for candy (Swedish fish and malt balls), a movie (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), and a failed attempt at illegal after hours shopping in Bloomingdales.
We had just met a few hours ago but already on some level we had clicked and all the bullshit commonly associated with first dates faded away. Our inner child emerged and we were able to just be ourselves and enjoy each others company. Bags’ full of candy lay in our laps as we sat in an empty theater watching a French foreign film. With every joke or lull in the film we teased one another.
It was like a scene in a movie minus to contrived romance. What was happening was natural and real. So much so that a warm feeling washed over me and for the first time in a long time I felt like life was going to be better than I’d imagined.
She wasn’t ugly but she was shallow. An hour of pointless conversation led me to finally inquire what she was looking for in a mate. Her answers were all based on the physical. It was really sad cause I know deep down she’s a good person just stuck in this mode of thinking she’s better than everyone. It’s probably cause of her modeling background but even then, she’s 34 and those days are long gone.
After we parted I headed to a Penthouse sponsored S&M party held at Lit Lounge. I’m not really into that sort of thing but I’m curious by nature.
9:30pm
Got a beer, sat at the bar and took in the crowd. Everyone was dressed in black with some form of skull and cross bone accessory. A ring, necklace, t-shirt or belt buckle. I got it, you’re hardcore.
10:30pm
Two freelance writers (from Complex and Maxim) showed up and tried to pick up one of the Penthouse pets. She looked interested till she asked for their cards. One had a personal card, which screams freelancer and the other didn’t have any on him. Normally you could get away with this but you have to be charming and these guys looked like nerds. Sad.
11:30pm
I headed downstairs to the dungeon to see the madness.
11:45pm
Asian girl tied up this dude (totally homosexual), opened his pants (revealing his cock) and spreads his legs. From behind, she whipped him underhanded (like throwing a softball) landing the whip on his cock. Very Casino Royale. She continued to do this several times till his dick looked like it was going to explode or fall off. Which ever comes first. Wacky!
12:30am
An impish cripple guy walked around in bikini briefs. He’s short, hairy and creepy.
12:40am
A woman took off her heels and placed her feet on this guys face. He looked like he was in heaven. I bet he use to work in a bowling alley. Now where is that air freshener?
1:00am
Some women began making out and tweaking each others nipples.
1:10am
Got Bored.
As I left it dawned on me that everyone knew each other. It was cultish and that explains the dirty looks, I was a stranger. It makes sense, S&M is all about trust and you can’t trust a stranger.
I’ve always been curious about speed dating and online dating or any form of dating service. Not escort services pervert 
. Today was my first Match.com date and it was a bit of a disappointment. My gut impression has always been that people using these sites are shy, not attractive and picky or some mix of the three. Boy was I right.
We met at Agave for brunch and she was much better looking in her pictures. She wasn’t ugly by any stretch of the imagination but it wasn’t what I was expecting. Kind of like Christmas when you want a specific G.I. Joe figure and your parents go cheap and get you the less expensive knock off. I looked past her looks and hoped her personality would make up for it but alas she was dull.
Maybe she’s a really fun person and we just didn’t click. Maybe I wasn’t her type and that’s why she never opened up. Who knows, who cares? Next date Wednesday.