zerogstudios

I was running late for my dinner with Amy when I received a call from Nice. I was a bit surprised she was calling me on a Saturday night. But I was even more surprised by what came next.

Her voice trembled as she asked me to come bail her out of jail. She explained that everyone she tried to contact was either not picking up or out of town. Locked up somewhere in Jersey with no one to help, she called me. A total stranger!

We had just met two weeks and only hung out once but for some reason I felt sorry for her. Sure I didn’t know her that well but she was clearly someone in need of help.

Now I know what you’re thinking, I must have a thing for her and the truth is I do. But to be honest, calling me from jail is a definite strike against you. On top of that I don’t care how cute you are, how full your lips are or how good you look in those jeans. If money is involved I am all business.

I was tempted to hang up but no decent human being could have refused to help. So, I called Amy and totally ruined any chance of sleeping with her (I had canceled on her three times in a row).

An hour later Nice was out and headed to work and I felt good about helping her.

While hooking up my television I somehow managed to fall asleep face down on the floor with my arms tucked underneath me. When I awoke I instantly realized something was wrong. My arms had fallen asleep but it wasn’t the normal fallen asleep we associate with pins and needles. No, my arms where Christopher Reeves paralyzed.

Considering I was still in a fog I just dismissed the total loss of feeling in my arms. But once the fog cleared the gravity of my situation griped me and tossed me into a state of panic. Had the television fallen on me and landed on my spine or was I suffering from some rare spontaneous arm paralyzing disease?

I rolled on to my back and using my legs pushed myself up against a wall and on to my feet. My arms dangled lifelessly as I pondered my next steps. What do I do? Who can I call? How would I call?

My arms dangled limply for five minutes when I felt the agonizing, yet oddly comforting feeling of pins and needles. My neurons began firing, carrying the electrochemical impulses along the nerve pathways to my brain.

I tried to go back to sleep but for an hour I laid in bed thinking about the inherit dangers of living alone. Stories I had read or heard on the news of people found face down in a plate of food, choked to death by a fish bone ran through my mind. The grim truth that they were only discovered by accident due to the foul smell rattled me.

Eventually my mind wondered off and my eyelids grew heavy.

Note: The medical term for limbs falling asleep is Transient Paresthesia.

An open bar, endless stream of hors d’ouevres, live music and clients were on the agenda tonight. The event ended up being really fun with a few awkward moments sprinkled in for fun.

1. Everyone at my table found out I have a crush on someone at work.
2. I now have a client that thinks my name is Stew.
3. Inadvertently laughing in the face of my crush.

Good times.

Two weeks of dirty clothes were piled high in a hamper located in the corner of my bedroom. Alongside of it was another hamper filled with dirty linens that had been in storage close to eleven months. I’d gotten home around 7:30 and figured the laundromat would be open late. I figured wrong since the owner, an old Greek lady, closes shop at nine. Nine?! WTF!

She informed me that the laundromat on Ditmars was open till eleven and if I hurried I could make it. As you can guess I hauled ass and washed all my clothes. Now, I don’t really mind the act of washing clothes. To be honest it’s really easy: sort, wash and dry. The catch is the folding and boy do I hate folding.

If and when I go to hell I know what’s waiting for me, a pile of unfolded clothes. I’m not sure why I hate it so much, I just do.

Today I had three appointments and the worst neck pain I’ve ever experienced.

1. The cable guy was coming to set up my cable and Internet access.
2. The Geek Squad was going to mount my new television on the wall.
3. A date in the evening with this hot girl.

It seems Time Warner Cable has greatly improved their installation service because they were at my door, eight sharp. He came inside and immediately asked me to move everything around. I spent all weekend cleaning and for what?

My landlord, hearing all the noise decided to poke his head and see what all the fuss was about. George arrived a little later and I couldn’t help but feel this was the modern day version of Figaro. All I needed was R. Kelly to pop out of the closest.

My Date
Attractive, intelligent, well traveled and a great sense of style all add up to a second date.

I’m so happy that I finally have the TV of my dreams but I’m also nervous about the impending retinal damage.

My new apartment has a very small bedroom and large living room which sounds perfect but the problem is I have so much bedroom furniture that I’ve had to switch the layout. Making the large living room my bedroom and the small bedroom into my living room.

So how small is small? Well I think the exact room dimensions are 7 x 10 which isn’t that bad until you factor in the placement of the window and the heater. Once those are taken into consideration you encounter a ton of layout issues, leaving you with only one possible layout. A 46” Sony Bravia LCD flat panel mounted on the wall only 5 feet from your face. That’s my living room.

My eyes are going to explode and yellow yolk will run out. Just like a Cadbury Creme Egg placed in the microwave .

PS Why didn’t you get a smaller TV? Go big or go home, hater!

Update

1) Ran into Chika at Banana Republic. She helped me pick out all my new clothes. She is super sweet and has an amazing sense of fashion

2) Saw Rob play with his band Bellow. They were fucking amazing, as usual. They played this new song titled “Awful” and it was fucking great. I really think their sound is maturing.

George picked me up and drove me to the Ikea in Long Island. I picked up a desk ($200) and an entertainment center ($179). The best part of Ikea has to be the price and Lego like tools provided to build your new furniture. I always feel like a kid building a model sans stickers.

The one new thing that I  noticed was the decline in product quality. When we got home and unpacked the entertainment center we noticed the wood was mildly scratched. Normally I would have flipped the fuck out but the hassle of packing it up and lugging it back wasn’t worth it.

Note: For lunch I had two dirty water dogs, chips, soda and a cinnamon roll. All for $4.50, Rachael Ray would be proud.

7:30am
Nelly Furtado’s blares out of my radio causing me to jump out of bed.

7:45am
Shower.

8:00am
Begin deep cleaning everything that was in storage.

9:45am
While washing a few things in the kitchen sink the room grows bright, something brushes by me and I hear a loud crash.

I jump across the room and realize the light fixture has fallen from the ceiling and landed on the floor, shattering into a million pieces. In that instance I see something move in the corner of my eye.

I jump out of my skin but quickly realize it’s the paper towels flapping in the wake of my lightning fast reflexes.

9:46am
Chills run up my spine and I pause to contemplate whether this was mere coincidence or a paranormal act.

My heart beats madly as my imagination takes hold, causing hundreds of possible scenarios to run thru my mind. I take a deep breath and wait for my heart rate to slow. The rational part of my brain kicks in and I finally settle on two possible explanations for what just transpired:

1. The landlord probably installed the light fixture incorrectly causing the fixture to come loose and dangle for a second before falling and shattering on the floor. This explains the brief increase in light intensity, brush on my shoulder and loud shattering noise.
2. This was a ghost trying to send me a message that I should “GET OUT!”

I’m a firm believer that everything can be explained, you know, cause and effect. But I’m also not a fool and take any warning from the netherworld seriously.

9:47am
I take a moment to collect myself and realize this was just a series of unfortunate events. But also take a moment to address my new roommate.

“If you are trying to send me a message, mission accomplished. You want me out of your apartment! I get it. But before I take off I need to ask a favor. Please cut me some slack and allow me to live here for the next 4 to 5 years.

I would gladly pack my shit and get the fuck out of your apartment but I’m recently divorced, broke and just don’t want to deal with any more realtors.

If you can find it in your heart to let me slide I promise to be a good roommate. I won’t slam any doors or eat your food. Shit, I’ll even pay all the rent.”

9:50am
We bond and I go back to cleaning up the place.

When people ask me what I do for a living I usually reply with my standard “I make shit look cool” response.  But the more and more I think about it the more and more I realize that making shit look cool is only part of what I do.  When I think about it I guess my job is really comprised of three parts

1. Knowing what’s cool before anyone knows its cool.
2. Making it work / function properly (usability).
3. Skinning it so it looks awesome.

The downside is persuading clients that the ideas are cool and worth investing in.  The main issue is that most clients are business types that really don’t know what’s cool unless they’re told it’s cool by some publication or their peers.  Basically, they’re sheep.

So, today was one of those days that filled me with anxiety.  We went into a meeting to sell a simple little widget that requires some work to pull off.  But if done right it will add value to the user experience.

So why all the anxiety?  Well the client loved the idea but freaked when they thought (assumed) what would be needed to actually implement the widget.  It isn’t that the people aren’t capable it’s politics, fear of getting shit canned and a lack of drive in certain people to push the envelope.

I hope they make the right decision.

I’m a firm believer that life in all its facets has a rhythm. Often times I forget about it till I’m caught off guard by some event that reminds me of this simple fact. Today I attended three going away parties and I couldn’t help but wonder what was responsible for this mass exodus.

After some careful thought I realized it was just a naturally occurring pattern. I would like to say it had a lot to do with me working in the advertising industry or the looming recession. But the truth is patterns just emerge in nature like waves crashing on a shore or the flow of traffic for that matter.

Proof of this can be seen in a clip I came across detailing research being conducted on the cause of traffic jams. It seems that traffic jams and slow downs just happen naturally. Of course you have accidents and rubber necking but this experiment just focused on watching the natural flow of traffic.

So there you have it, if you watch or stay in one place long enough you’ll begin to notice patterns emerge.